In an unexpected and disheartening turn of events, Baby Green Heron died this morning of wounds received in a callous attack by a pair of teenage cats on Friday night.
In a statement read to the press by the cat’s attorney, their family “expresses their deepest sympathies and heartfelt regrets” to the families of the victim. An angry crowd of avian supporters and well-wishers called for swift justice in the case and demanded that the juveniles be tried as adults, due to the heinous nature of the alleged crime. Calls for punishment and justice ranged from placing electronic collars on the cats to restrict their movements, to de-clawing, to placing tiny bells around their necks, and most harshly, being placed on an indoor cat food diet.
The alleged assailants, Boo-Boo Tail and Mean-Pea expressed no sorrow at their arraignment, with Boo-Boo saying, “Hey, I’m just a friggin’ cat doin’ what cats do, but honestly I really wanted the bird to put up a bit more of a fight as I really like to play with my prey and toss them around a lot before I kill ‘em”. Mean-Pea added, “honestly, it wasn’t my fault, Boo-Boo did everything and I tried to stop him, but, after about and hour of tossing the bird around, I got a little excited too and dragged him thru the pet door to claim his kill as my kill and screw Boo-Boo. For that, I must admit, that I am a little ashamed of my behavior, so please don’t squirt me with the water gun. But, I think it’s ok if Boo-Boo has his claws removed”.
On the advice of their attorney, the cats then discontinued speaking with the press.
With new charges pending due to the crime now being classified as a homicide, bond has been revoked and the two alleged assailants are currently awaiting trial on the comfy chair.
Funeral services were hastily pulled together this afternoon, and Baby Green Heron was laid to rest and buried at lakeside by Justin and I, not far from the scene of the crime. Overhead, against a deep blue and cobalt South Florida sky, a flock of Ibis’s flew out of formation and dipped their wings in honor of their fallen brethren. No herons were in attendance, due to the private nature of this species.
A Heron spokes-bird did however state, “What’s truly ironic about this senseless crime is that these cats came from an island in very close proximity to the bird sanctuary on Pelican Harbor in Biscayne Bay. How these cats could possibly end up out here on the edge of the Everglades is something that we will never know”. Further investigation is planned to determine the circumstances of how the cats migrated from the Biscayne Bay area to the western-most parts of Broward County.
A member of the cat’s family, though, provided another perspective, “Cat’s kill, but guns don’t, unless, of course their loaded, aimed and fired”. He added, “In the case of cats, their DNA has wired them to be the hunters and not to be the hunted, and because of that, they, are one of the most successfully adapted creatures on the planet. So there”.
It is feared by many of the residents in this western-most enclave of coastal human civilization that this incident will cause a raising of tensions between the foreign settlers and the native inhabitants, leading to more bloodshed and increases in property values.
